Fred Caruso was famous in New York, and wherever people who love the theater live. This was based on his 2009 play "The Big Gay Musical". Tuesday morning at 2:51 the shows Facebook page posted what is Fred's suicide note.
At 41 years of age Fred had decided he had had enough.
For my most of my life I have been absolutely miserable - exact for when I was creating. I have nothing left in me to create. I truly don’t think I have any idea what love or happiness is. I have been incredibly lonely and at the same time - I hate being around people. I hate meeting new people and I’m always waiting for someone to stab me in the back - lets just say I already have a whole culinary collection.
To be clear - I haven’t forgiven anyone. All the grudges I’ve carried for years - I continue to carry. To those people that I hate - I hope I have the ability to haunt you for the rest of your lives.
Alone. Afraid that new people will stab you in the back based on the fact that people in fact have done that. And holding a grudge. This is the exact recipe drawn up in Satan's workshop to get one of God's creations to want to die. If you are contemplating suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. Life has seasons and you're in a dark one now, and may have been for many years, but it can change.
You were designed with certain needs. Those needs were put in you for your own good and for the rest of our benefits. We should have friends that we can trust. How do you find a friend like that? The Bible says watch and see how they treat their other friends. You should be fearless. Why? The Bible says turn to God and He will take away all of your fears! And finally grudges are poison to your own soul. The Bible says be slow to anger and quick to overlook an offense.
So why did God make us this way? Only God knows for sure, but here's my guess based on some life experience, combined with my understanding of the Bible. God has never been surprised by anything. He knew the original humans would rebel against Him and side with Satan. We know that is true because scripture reveals He also knew Jesus would make the sacrifice to save anyone who wanted saving "before the creation of the earth". That meant all future generations would be born into sin. So God had to put some stuff in us that would battle our sinful natures. Our sinful nature basically has us becoming our own god. We want all the respect and admiration that is rightly owed to our creator. But God created us with a deep need for friends. You can't be friends for too long with someone who only wants you around to use you. Somehow through the fog of sin we begin to recognize, that for our own good, we need to humble ourselves a bit, in order to have friends. The more we serve others, the more popular we become! Because people like to be served! The servant becomes a blessing to those they are helping. But God gives a double blessing to the servant, in that not only do they reap the friendships, they also have a joy that He put in us when we help others.
I truly believe that Hell is a place. But my vision of it is different than the one most people describe. Based on the Bible's descriptions I have compiled, my vision of Hell is probably worse than the fiery underworld made popular in the media. It's a place where people who have a higher opinion of themselves than others are sent. And unlike on earth where the presence of God serves as a buffer, in Hell they are free to pursue their glory uninhibitedly. And no one will acquiesce to any one else's desires, and the place is absent any sense of restraint. Then people will spend eternity pursuing what they want at the expense of all others. And of course that means a never ending cycle of abuse, because there can be no order, no civilization, without people putting a group before themselves. That's why the Bible describes Hell both as a fiery lake/burning furnace with much weeping and gnashing of teeth, as well as you read in Jude people will wander in darkness for eternity. Their needs go forever unmet which brings the weeping and gnashing of teeth. They're in a constant state of anger as well which make them feel blazing hot of which no relief will come. And with the presence of God removed there is no light. Both literally and figuratively. God invented light. (Genesis 1:3) And when you go to a place where He is not, it will be pitch black. And the Spirit of the Lord brings clarity to confusion. It's a light for my path as Psalm 119 explains.
When people say 'this is Hell on earth' what they are probably are experiencing is something where the presence of the Lord has been rejected from. There is a remnant of God in all of creation because He promises to be God to all people, even those who reject Him, for all of their lives. That's why many theologians say something along the lines of "No matter how good a Christians life is going on earth it's still going to be far better in heaven. Sadly no matter how bad life on earth gets for a non Christian, this is as good as it will ever be for them". So we need to pray hard for them that God will soften their hearts and open their eyes.